Accepting failure, giving up and moving on. This is what I need to do. I am in week 5 and I’ve failed multiple times. I keep trying to get back up, brush myself off and push through, but it isn’t working. I keep repeating the same pattern: ready to go on Monday but exhausted by Wednesday. I get up and try a long run Saturday and maybe get a run in on Sunday. I can’t complete 26.2 miles doing two, maybe three runs per week.
I need to throw in the towel, admit defeat. At this point, I don’t even want to drop down to the half. I just don’t want to do it period. I’ve done that half twice. I surpassed my goal. I want to move on to new goals, which was supposed to be the marathon. I need to sit back and reevaluate my goals and what I am capable of.
It’s difficult and painful to give up on a dream I’ve been working towards since my first 5k in 2012. I never thought I could run because of my asthma then I started running slowly on a treadmill and eventually moved outside. I really never thought I would race, but I had always wanted to do the UW-L Turkey Trot. I tried and I was hooked. Now I’ve done 5ks, 10ks, and several half marathons along with several distances in between to get to the point where I could complete 26.2. Everything over the last 3 years was for this moment.
And now it’s gone. I can’t do it. No matter how much I want it I am physically incapable of doing the training. I get up in the mornings, stiff and sore. I go through the work day only to have sore hips, legs, ankles, and feet. I have a desk job. I am not on my feet all day. I do make sure I get up and move around but nothing that should preclude me from exercising later.
I get home from work and practically pass out on the couch for a half an hour before I realize I need to make dinner. I am only 35 but I have no energy and my body seems to be falling apart. I feel I just got my celiac diagnosis and feel much better but now that my digestive system is healed the rest of me decided to cause problems.
I have dreamed of the moment I crossed the finish line and thought of how I would feel, emotionally and physical. Both exhausted and amazed. Fulfilled and empty. For now it will remain a dream. It may remain that way forever. I just don’t know at this point.